


Posthumous Forgiveness

by Aaron_The_8th_Demon



Series: Holding [3]
Category: Men's Hockey RPF
Genre: Boston Bruins, Implied/Referenced Character Death, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-03-17
Updated: 2019-03-17
Packaged: 2019-11-21 07:36:29
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 858
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18139295
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Aaron_The_8th_Demon/pseuds/Aaron_The_8th_Demon
Summary: It’s surprising, in a truly awful way, how nobody’s asked Patrice why. He doesn’t know what he’ll say if anyone does ask.





	Posthumous Forgiveness

**Author's Note:**

  * Inspired by [for something like a moment](https://archiveofourown.org/works/18134612) by [blindbatalex](https://archiveofourown.org/users/blindbatalex/pseuds/blindbatalex). 



> I'm expounding on a couple of the details of blindbatalex's work. This just sort of jumped into my head and demanded that I write it.

It’s surprising, in a truly awful way, how nobody’s asked Patrice why. Why, exactly, Brad had been up on the hotel roof at that time of night. Why he’s acting and feeling so guilty. He doesn’t know what he’ll say if anyone does ask.

He read the word, or saw it in a movie, or something. In reference to medals getting awarded to fallen soldiers. Something like that. _Posthumous._ When you praise somebody after they’ve died. This word is stuck in Patrice’s head as everything’s going on, and it adds to the guilt, because this shouldn’t have had to be necessary, or at least not for quite some time.

There’d been a lot of speculation. Because it was January, and it’d been 28 degrees fahrenheit, so maybe there was ice on the roof that he slipped on. Maybe he wasn’t paying attention to what he was doing, just looking out over the city from up there, and the wind blew hard enough to shove him off-balance and he fell. The question was raised a couple of times by the media: _was this on purpose?_ But nobody on the team or on the coaching staff or even from Brad’s family could come up with the ghost of a reason why he would willingly step off the ledge.

It makes Patrice sick when he thinks how glad he is that they never asked him. He knows the truth… Brad wasn’t stupid by any stretch, but what he had definitely been was impulsive. It’s like how wives find out their husbands are cheating, drive off somewhere to find the bastards for a confrontation, and end up running them over in a flash of rage.

Patrice isn’t a cheating husband, nor is he impulsive. But he understands how someone like Brad, who lives in split-second decisions (good or bad, often the latter), would - when emotionally crushed as he’d been - be in too much pain to really understand the weight of that decision and take whatever opportunity first presented itself to end that pain. In a word, yes. Brad had definitely done it on purpose. And if he’s able to, Patrice will take that secret to his grave.

This is what’s on his mind as he stands there, trembling so much that his knees won’t keep holding him up soon. An arm across his shoulders - it’s Chara, now supporting his weight for him, because he’s too pathetic to keep doing it himself. Patrice can’t look at his captain beyond the corner of his eyes. Not that he can see much anyway through the tears.

It’s such an unpleasant silence inside TD garden when Brad’s number is finally being hung up. Patrice doesn’t dare disturb it, holding in his mounting sobs for no other reason than he can’t bear to further disrespect his friend by making noise in this moment.

Everyone has those points in their lives where they wish with all their hearts they could go back and change something. Until now, Patrice has had a few. Compared with this, they collectively hold the significance of a blade of grass to him. He’s so guilty and so agonized, thinking _if only._ If only he’d waited and made sure Brad went back down the stairs with him. If only he’d actually explained himself, instead of just saying they should go to bed because they had a game the next day. If only, instead of any of the things he did or probably should’ve done, he’d stopped lying to himself about how he felt and let Brad kiss him up there…

At that one split second, he’d seen it all laid out, if he’d made the choice to be with Brad instead of walking away. But he’d gone for what had seemed like the sensible decision - because homophobia in professional sports and the complications of dating a team mate and a thousand other things that were perfectly justified back then. None of that matters now. The only important detail is that his choice wasn’t Brad.

Patrice remembers - it had taken about an hour. Brad hadn’t landed in the street, and so not being in plain view wasn’t immediately found. There’d been some kind of ruckus in the hotel lobby, and one of the rookies was alerting everyone that he’d seen a bunch of cops down there questioning the hotel staff. An ambulance driving away, too… curiosity got the better of everyone and they’d tried to look and see what was happening. It got even more interesting when the cops noticed and immediately called Chara over to speak with them. Patrice had looked around for Brad, to ask what his friend thought might be going on - and Brad was nowhere to be found.

Nothing can ever be the same, now… Patrice’s left wing and best friend is gone, like a whole piece of him has been carved out and smashed. He thinks he’d be less crippled if both his legs had been cut off instead. Brad always forgave him for everything, even when he didn’t deserve it. Patrice knows he can’t absolve himself the way Brad would. This is too big and too terrible to forgive.

**Author's Note:**

> So, I think this was a little dumb, because it's not even my own creation. Also, blindbatalex, two things - first, I apologize if this isn't up to snuff compared with what you wrote; second, please stop making them die, don't you think the world has enough sadness already? :,(
> 
> ADDENDUM. See the listed work below for a fix-it of this sad turn of events.

**Works inspired by this one:**

  * [Take It Back](https://archiveofourown.org/works/18619999) by [Aaron_The_8th_Demon](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Aaron_The_8th_Demon/pseuds/Aaron_The_8th_Demon)




End file.
